can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Randomize
