Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
