1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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