thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
