I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
