He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
