And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize