apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
