you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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