New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I will pee on everything he values.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
