I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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