Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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