i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Omg I joined a choir last night...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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