You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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