so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
