You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
