im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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