sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
