Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
