What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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