My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
