I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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