Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Hippo gnu deer
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
