2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
