got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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