You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
