Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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