capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
