Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
