oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
