The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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