there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
