you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
tell me about the eggs
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