just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
