i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
