You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
