Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize