Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
