she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
