You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
please come you make the beer taste better
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize