Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
this hospital has no fireball
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize