so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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