we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
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