theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
jump out the window naked night went bad
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
