sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
