So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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