Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
