Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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