Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
