If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
