We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Randomize
