Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
