the condom got lost in my hair
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
