the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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