I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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