maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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