you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
